My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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