I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
