I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
