if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
