Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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