you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i think i just lost a toe
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
