umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize