We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
