My friends, they love my intelligence
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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