Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
this is an emotional support booty call
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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