I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize