im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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