Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
