i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
