so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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