I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Holy shit dude........stairs
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