this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
