there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
