I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
