if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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