Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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