I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
