No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
