if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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