I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
