saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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