what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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