From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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