These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
