I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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