Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
