Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
