Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
