I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
