everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize