I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
