I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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