i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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