I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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