respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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