I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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