I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"it" just moved
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
