I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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