I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
