he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
