Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
