Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
