No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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