Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
