atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
