Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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