matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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