I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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