I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
where does the pee come out of this thing
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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