He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it's like iHOP with fire
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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