She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
