I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
