I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
